For Ozzie

I See a Cardinal

Patch of crimson bright
Against pine green
Movement slight

Head turning
Eyes watching
Carrot orange beak

Hop to this branch
Hop to that
Frozen, now flutter

Up to the highest tree top
Tiny red weather vane
Survey your kingdom

Call to your lover
Sing loudest and longest
Mated for life

Down to the ground
Chirp, chirp
Beak a bug

Back up to your branch
Cock your head
Look my way

Sail away to the woods
My melodious beauty
Your home

Visit longer tomorrow
That I might
Extend my delight

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What is the difference between reactive and controlling abuse?

Reactive abuse occurs when one or both parties lose control of their negative emotions, their frustrations, or their tempers during times of stress or provocation.  An outburst or eruption occurs.  In this type of abuse the person does not stop to consider the wisest way to handle the situation and gives vent to immature impulses.  They may yell, threaten, throw things, punch walls, belittle, name call, or curse.

Most of us have experienced some of these episodes either with our parents or our spouses.  They usually make things worse and they are definitely destructive.  In reactive abuse there can be lethal consequences, the worst being murder – which seems to be a clear possibility in the recent Pistorious case.  In other situations, injuries to children can occur resulting in child abuse.  While reactive abuse and controlling abuse can occur in the same relationship, there is an important difference.

Many counselors do not make this distinction.  In reactive abuse the behaviors may look very similar but they are not intended to control the other person or broadly exercise decision-making power over the victim.  When we lose control, we can do a lot of harm, but in controlling abuse the main difference is that the abuser does not believe that the victim has the right to make independent decisions if the abuser disagrees with them.

Reactive abuse occurs when one or both people in a disagreement lose control and begin to act in destructive ways.  Controlling abuse is an ongoing relationship between an abuser and a victim which can take many forms including reactive abuse, but most often is displayed in more subtle or even hidden ways.  It is the result of an ever present attitude and more often calculated reactions, rather than an outburst or loss of control.


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A Very Touchy Topic – Controlling Abuse

I have the illustrious distinction of being the victim of controlling abuse both in my marriage of 43 years and for 13 of those years in a religious cult.  I’m also a victorious survivor of both,  have managed to unshackle myself, and am living a very happy and free life these days.  It’s important for me to share my experience, and the vital life-changing information that I have discovered  on my journey , in the hope others might find their escape to freedom.  One does not wiggle free without effort and determination, but it may not be as difficult as you think once you understand the truth of the situation.

The main reason many of us stay in shackles is that we cannot see them clearly.

Since many people who are victims of this type of abuse find it a fearful thing to research for answers and may be living in oppressive situations that will not allow them to read books with titles that trigger abuse in their spouses, I have decided to use my blog site as a resource for anyone who wants to read about this topic.

I will include a list of websites and books for those free enough to utilize them.  Since many resources cannot be accessed by people in the trap or the spell of current abuse, I will quote from these sources here to give those people a taste of what freedom looks like in the hope they will break free enough to utilize more complete helps as they progress along their path to freedom.

Let’s get started since most abuse victims don’t have a lot of time or energy to pursue freedom.  At first they can only make short, quick forays into forbidden truth.


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